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	No Rules Not Enforcing the Rules No Chores + Lots of Freedom = Overindulgence Too	This page last revised November 19, 2006..
by Dr. David Bredehoft, Dr. Jean Illsley Clarke and Dr. Connie Dawson

This is the third in a series of articles based on three research studies on overindulgence conducted by Drs. David Bredehoft, Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson in 1998, 2000, and 2001.

Also see the researchers' Overindulgence.Info website!

Soft Structure
What do you think of when you hear the term "overindulgence"? When most people hear us use the term "overindulgence" they immediately think that overindulgence is only about giving children too much stuff. It isn’t. It is about much more than that!

Not having rules or not enforcing your existing rules, not having chores and giving too much freedom are also forms of overindulgence!

Our three research studies have shown that overindulgence is a very complex issue involving more than just "stuff." Instead of one type of overindulgence there are actually three types of overindulgence:

too much stuff
over-nurturing
soft structure

This article is the third in a series of articles on these three types of overindulgence. The first two articles focused on too much stuff (What's in the closet? Counting may not help) and over-nurturing (Too much of a good thing?: When helping stops being helpful?). This article will take a closer look at the last type of overindulgence: soft structure.

Research on Soft Structure
The statistical analysis from Study 2 (74 college students) and Study 3 (348 parents) show that the more individuals were overindulged as children, the more likely they were to agree with the following statements:

When I was growing up, my parents did not have rules that I was expected to follow.
When I was growing up, my parents did not enforce their rules.
When I was growing up, my parents did not expect me to do chores.
When I was growing up, my parents gave me too much freedom.

What do these statements have in common? The common denominator between them is structure, or lack of it. In this case it is what we call "soft structure". Soft structure includes things like not having or enforcing rules, lax rules (rules that parents bend when kids put on pressure), not having chores, and giving children too much freedom for the child’s developmental stage and age.

Why is Soft Structure a Form of Overindulgence?
Soft structure is a form of overindulgence because: Chores teach many skills

Children fail to learn important life skills. They grow into adulthood with a definite skill deficit.
It doesn’t teach children about boundaries, therefore hampering them in adult life. They do not know how to set and respect boundaries. When this happens they experience pain – pain from invading other people’s boundaries and pain from not knowing how to prevent others from invading their own.
It encourages dependence on the parent rather than independence. Children move into adult life not being prepared to function on their own.
It teaches children that they don’t have to contribute to the overall functioning of the family.

One Example of Not Having Rules or Not Enforcing the Rules
(Consider the story of twins named Jamie and Josh.)

Fourteen month old Jamie and Josh are busily exploring their world. Regularly mom lets them scoot across the kitchen floor to a cabinet, open it up, and noisily pull out each pot and pan. "What a wonderful game you two are involved in," mom says. "I love the way you are learning about your world."

The next week Mom and Dad, Jamie and Josh go to visit some friends. As the friends chat in their living room, Jamie and Josh scurry around the living room floor. Before long they open the built in buffet and begin to pull out all of its contents. As the host-couple look nervously on, not knowing what to do, the twins’ mother says, "Aren’t they cute! They are just a bundle of energy." Then she and her husband ignore the twins and continue with the adults in conversation.

Mom’s response to the twins at home seems appropriate and is not a form of overindulgence. However, to allow the twins to do the same thing at their friends’ house is soft structure overindulgence and a boundary violation. The twins are robbed of an opportunity to learn the important lesson that some behaviors which are appropriate at home are not appropriate in other places.

One Example of Too Much Freedom
(Consider the story of fifteen year old Susie and this recent discussion.)

Susie is brought into her therapist's office and she describes her problem. She is missing too much school and seems depressed. Her parents are divorced. They both have high visibility jobs and are very successful. Susie tells the therapist that her father, with whom she spends more time than her mother, was bothered by her calling her long-distance boyfriend and running up a $500 phone bill. "He asked me to get it down to around $350 next month," she said.

Later when the therapist commented that she was wearing an attractive outfit she replied passively "Oh yeah, I have a credit card. I probably spend around a thousand a month. Dad doesn’t care. He doesn't even care how long I stay up on school nights. Weird, huh?"

Susie’s dad is giving her too much freedom, soft structure. Without limits on her spending and rules on how late she is allowed to stay up on school nights, Susie will not learn money management and time management skills. Without these skills, she will have difficulties in adulthood.

Not Too Soft and Not Too Hard
As you can see, being too soft is not the answer. Desperate parents who are too soft on structure sometimes flip to the other side of the continuum thinking the answer lies in being too hard, rigid, or inflexible. Being too hard is not the answer either. The answer lies in the middle, in balance – a combination of effective nurture and structure.

What Can Parents Do Instead of Being Too Soft or Too Hard?
There are many ways that parents can find some middle ground. Some of them are:

Have a reasonable set of rules.
Be consistent in enforcing your rules.
Your rules should be developmentally and age appropriate.
Set reasonable expectations about chores, and
as children demonstrate greater responsibility, increase their level of freedom.

For more wonderful ideas on what parents can do instead of being too soft or too hard and the use of effective nurture and structure see Growing Up Again, Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children (2nd Ed.) by Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawson, published by Hazelden Press.

Overindulgence
Series Introduction Overindulgence
Topic =
Too Many Things Overindulgence
Topic =
Over-Nurturing THIS Page
Topic =
Soft Structure Overindulgence
Topic =
Adult Pain Home Top of Page

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